Questioning Your Dreams When You’re Broke…
It’s a new month but my days haven’t changed much since the beginning of quarantine. In fact, I’m currently writing this sitting in my backyard soaking up some vitamin D. One of my new favorite things is sitting here in the mid/late afternoon and looking into the woods right behind our house. The sun hits the trees just right and it illuminates the green leaves so beautifully. Weirdly enough, while this is said to be one of the biggest times for Netflix binging, I’ve watched less TV during my time at home than I do when I’m in Nashville haha.
This picture doesn’t even do it justice.
I’m just going to warn you right now, this blog post is a bit long, but I wanted to share a little story/testimony from this past weekend to encourage anyone out there who feels like they have no motivation, God isn’t moving in their life, or a goal/dream of their’s didn’t reach the level they wanted it to and now it feels hopeless. Dead dreams are a very common feeling right now with so many small businesses suffering.
Every week has brought new challenges during this strange season. Some weeks it’s having short patience with my family when level tempers are hard to find in the middle of stress. Some weeks it’s been my anxiety rearing it’s ugly head and making my health issue I’ve struggled with for the last two years flare up. Most weeks it’s been the challenge of what should I be doing when every gig I have this summer has been cancelled (and more possibly cancelled into the fall) and the act of booking shows is impossible. One challenge I’m learning to appreciate is enjoying the moment I’m in and trying not to worry about tomorrow. Easier said than done, but still…
I know, I know. I’ve said that a lot. You’ve probably seen post after post on Facebook or Instagram talking along those same lines. I know I’ve personally seen every post under the sun about what this time at home has meant for different people. Some people are working harder and some can’t seem to feel motivated to do anything at all (can I get an amen? Haha!). You can guess which category I fall into. Motivation hasn’t been a close friend to me lately. In fact, someone told me recently, “I bet you haven’t set down your guitar at all since you’ve been home. I can’t wait to hear all the new songs you’ve probably written!” HA! Who wants to guess how many songs I’ve actually written during quarantine?
Zero.
It’s not for a lack of trying. I have struggled y’all. It’s made me start second guessing myself if I’m being real honest. I’ve seen so many people doing writes/videos/song production over the last few weeks and I’ve felt like something is wrong with me. I’ve been having this internal battle about what success in music means to me. I’ve been asking myself why I haven’t felt super driven to write, or why I haven’t really desired to make music videos. It all came down to one re-occurring feeling — music is one of those things you put so much time, energy, blood, sweat, tears into, and you may never see any pay off. Literally, you never get paid haha. Imagine having a job that takes up your heart and soul around the clock, and you never see a dime. Well… I guess that’s not too far off from most jobs hahaha. But seriously, my income from people buying my songs is so small I couldn’t pay for takeout from Tito’s much less one month of my car insurance. Playing writers rounds in Nashville doesn’t pay anything. You can make money off of touring if you do it right, but none of us can tour right now.
It’s not all about the money, but after 10 years of pursuing music, making living would be really nice.
So, for weeks I’ve been struggling with this question — is this even worth it if it’s always going to be an uphill battle financially?
I’m just being honest with you guys. Music is HARD. I still really love it, but it’s hard. I feel like God has blessed me with my abilities and talents. He’s given me this dream… so why am I so darn broke? Can you relate to the feeling? I’m sure it’s not just with music. Any business can have moments of struggle.
On top of those feelings, Saturday night we were listening to music while my Dad fried fish in our backyard (that’s such a southern sentence already haha!) and he asked me to play one of my songs. I scrolled on my phone and picked my song Run Away. As I was listening to it I genuinely had to ask God, “This song had so much potential. I love it with all my heart. I worked so hard on it. Why didn’t it get more attention?” Sounds kind of selfish I know, but I was really curious and hurt thinking about it. I did the best I could to release and promote it with the little money and resources I had but it didn’t go as far as I would have liked. I even made my own lyric video since I couldn’t afford a real music video. Sitting there Saturday night I felt like Run Away’s time for big success had passed. Even working on my music video for Look So Good I had some people tell me that trying to promote a song that’s been released for two years is pointless and won’t get me very far.
My prayer over the last month and a half has been for God to reveal His presence with me and show me if this is even in the plan He has anymore. This week frustration started to kick in big time because I still didn’t have an answer. Maybe some of you out there are asking him the same thing.
I say this long winded speech to set up how my Sunday morning went. I watched my church, Gateway Franklin’s service and my Pastor said this, “Nothing stays dead long around Jesus. No one can live well afraid and broke. God never intended for us to live afraid and broke(n), but in peace and provision.”
Wow.
There were so many good bits in this sermon and I’ll link it here if you’d like to watch it. #PastorCharlieIsTheTruthBomb.com
That hit me so hard. God knows that we don’t live well when we are afraid and broke. He doesn’t want us to live that way and he promises he will provide all we need (Matt. 6:24-33). It’s been really clear to me that I need to want the giver more than the gift. Another thing that was mentioned during the sermon was doing your work to the best of your ability for God, not money.
SHOOT. It convicted me because, like I mentioned above, I have been so focused on money and how all this work doesn’t feel worth it if I can’t financially support myself, when the reality is, I should be using my talents and skills to glorify him and serve others regardless of financial security. He knows that I need it. He’ll provide for all of my needs. I felt His presence so clearly, sitting on the window seat in my childhood bedroom, after such a long season of asking him for it.
But He wasn’t done Sunday. That night I was playing a card game with my parents and a close friend of mine texted me a picture telling me, and I quote, “AH CARSON LOOOOOOK!” hahaha. The photo was Radio Sobro’s Top 10 Plays for April and my song Look So Good was #5. It might seem small, but according to the advice I was given about how a song that’s been released for over 2 years can’t be promoted well after that much time, it felt like one giant HA in the music biz’s face.
So, I’ll say it again… If you’ve felt like God isn’t moving in your life, He is. I promise He is. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes you have to be looking with eagle eyes so you won’t miss it. If you feel like a goal/dream of yours failed your expectations or too much time has passed for success, I just want to remind you that God is in the business of resurrections. Dead projects, dreams, and goals don’t stay dead long around Him. If you’re struggling to find motivation with something that use to excite you, I want to encourage you that you are not alone. It’s okay to question your purpose. Sometimes questioning leads you to an exciting revelation.
If you’ve made it this far, kudos to you! I’m sorry for the length of this but I really felt like I needed to share a little bit of what God has been doing during my quarantine. It’s been a refining time.
So often everyone in the music business has the “fake it till you make it” mentality where you can’t show struggle or weakness. I want my blog to give you a glimpse at the realness of how hard it is sometimes. It’s not always the glitz and glamour that an Artist’s Instagram wants to portray.
I have a project I’m thinking about starting. It’s music related but not about my music. I’m still doing lots of praying about it but if I decide to move forward I’ll share about it on my email list, so make sure you’re signed up to get my monthly newsletter!
I love you guys. Thank you so much for reading. Feel free to comment or message me any prayer requests you might have during this time.
xx Carson
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